Someone asked me the other day how I cope with the times in life when I feel sad, unhappy, tearful, fed up and even a little bit broken. But importantly how I feel when I look back at the times in my life when it’s been absolutely bloody brilliant; like the night when I sang ‘I want to break free’ at 1am dressed as Freddie Mercury with a carriage full of Friday night drunks, or felt real love, or danced under a sky full of African stars, got the keys to part of an Italian castle or had the best plate of scallops ever. Let me tell you I’ve had some truly stellar adventures.
But whack on top of that, cancer, way too much loss and grief, an abusive and highly coercive relationship that left me in the hands of Trauma Assist, job loss, moving house because I had to and yet more grief and loss. I find a lot of joy in being kind to others, in supporting them and that can be an invitation to a crazy concert, or just a well timed cake. But being kind to yourself is also important and I’m a rotter for forgetting that at times, and knowing that I need to stop and be the one that makes me smile. But also, when you are feeling shitter than a shitty thing, that maybe what you need is a small treat, or even a massive one.
I’ve always believed that you should make the effort, whether it’s to support a friend, or make sure your neon pink wig is on straight. Never regret that you didn’t do everything to make the sparkles appear, that you were kind to yourself just because…
Because to quote the great, late Freddie Mercury, ‘it’s a kind of magic.’
Brian May, 02 – 9 June 2022
And that is where the balance in life comes to play, for each of the unspeakably godawful hours, days and months there have been friendships that I will always cherish and a newfound appreciation for fancy dress. So, we need to somehow remind ourselves that when it all seems darker than a sooty coal hole, there is light there, you may just not have found it quite yet.
At 3am this morning, my alarm went off, nope, not going on holiday. A very old friend of mine had died, it was his funeral on the other side of the world. We were at uni together and just thinking about him makes me laugh, he was one of those people who just loved and embraced life, that is until cancer struck and stole him away from his beautiful family. We had stayed in touch over the intervening years… he got married, had incredibly beautiful daughters, he sailed, went scuba diving and I loved seeing his retirement sailing trips with his wife on Facebook. Then last year his head of red hair disappeared, and he looked thin, and I knew I just knew… I was struck as I sat in bed watching his loved ones say goodbye, they came up and spoke one by one for over an hour and it was humbling to say the least. But I’ll take one story from this to keep my point going; One of his sailing friends told this tale about how he (the friend ) had bought a yacht called The Waking, one night my friend, after a few beers and a convenient can of paint, changed it to The Wanking, and it stayed that way so they could laugh at seeing it on their yacht club race league tables. And this is why we were pals. But also this is what I am trying to say, that for every moment that tears our hearts in half, there is also waiting for you, a slice of the happy pie. In the early hours this morning, while we all said goodbye and were broken at his loss, his family were so clearly celebrating his smile, his jokes, his ability to throw a party, rename boats with a can of paint and to love those around him. But most of all he was kind, it reminded me of how important it is, to be so to others but also to yourself.
For those of you familiar with the Lebanese poet, Kahlil Gibran, he most eloquently explained this whole conundrum, why do we feel such sadness at times, such despair and others we can’t stop laughing. How do we dig ourselves out of a hole and keep walking forwards. It’s that bloody balance thing, it’s because in order to understand one we need to have experienced the other. Without knowing sadness, we can’t appreciate the times of joy, and vice versa. It’s like the universe’s version of Sod’s Law, but take from it, this little bit of wisdom, when you are feeling utterly pants, it won’t last forever.
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
And just in case you still aren’t convinced, that when facing a bad day, that you need to remind yourself that you can, and you will dance again. That every day has a light and a dark. That life, if you like to see it that way, is a game of two halves. They will balance out. If it helps when you feel great, write it down, then you can turn to that page and remember. When I was sick with cancer I had some counselling to help cope with the abject fear and she asked me what made me smile, what lifted me, what was it that gave me some warmth back? She made me write it down and I have that piece of card still, it says ‘Barry White, mirror ball moment’ and there you have it, the secret to some self kindness.
Pinched from Ally McBeal
I’ll finish with a quote from another fabulous poet, the legend that is Kate Bush.
I know you’ve got a little life in you left
I know you’ve got a lotta strength left
This one’s for Steve, and I hope you are in the sunshine, wherever you are.
Write Up My Street 
Leave a comment